Being a mom has changed me, for sure, but perhaps no more than moving away from home, or getting married did. Those events blew out the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of, and so did becoming a mom. I knew I could care for a child, love a child, and provide for a child. I did not know that I would continue to attempt to breastfeed when I was injured and bleeding. I didn’t know that I could pull myself out of bed when my body literally hurt from being so tired. I didn’t know that I could do all of this while trying to recover from childbirth. I did not know that days would go by where he would cry and I would have no way to help him. Those were such rough days, when I was learning the ropes, and I am so blessed with a very healthy, and by most standards easygoing, child. This is probably the same well of strength that mothers and fathers pull from when their children are sick, disabled, or otherwise challenged. When they are challenged. Some of them probably don’t even know how they’re doing it while they are doing it! You dig deep. And with every dig, you are amazed at how your body and mind can stretch and rise to that occasion. Even though at times you are begging for it to stop.

And yet… yet now it all feels so normal. Such a part of my environment. I come home to discuss finances with my husband, and my small son listens for trucks that drive by so he can yell, “vrooomvroom!” at us with agitated wonder. Don’t we hear that? Why aren’t we as excited as he is? Come on, guys, vroom vroom! I do stare at him sometimes, amazed that he is here, that he has grown so much so fast.

But at the same time, I feel young, sexy and in love. Not every moment of every day, but if Ben is with a sitter, suddenly it’s Self and I and we are nineteen again listening to really sappy R&B and longing to lay on our bed swinging our feet. Today I was reminiscing about that unbridled hormone rush of my teens and how it was such a love/hate conundrum. On the one hand, it felt amazing to be so infatuated with someone that their physical presence alone was like electricity crackling right next to you. On the other hand, who can live like that all the time? Being always on the edge of that fight or flight get-it-on moment, so that it consumes all of your time and energy is exhausting, and makes you so self absorbed. It was an exhilirating experience, and I am so glad that I have it in my precious store of memories, and also so glad that it is just a memory.

Given, say, a week of no responsibilities… in Mexico… those consuming feelings are bound to take over. Still, they are comfortable, not anxious. I can enjoy the pleasant pick up and not be afraid that my heart will break when my husband falls asleep early or goes back to work. Ah, the simple pleasures of adulthood that we take for granted. I am grateful that I still feel like both of those selves. The one that plans dinner, gets up in the middle of the night and says Bye Bye to poopies with my son as we flush them down the toilet. I also long to lay on my bed doodling in a journal while I listen to love songs. I love knowing I look good, feeling good after a work out, putting on a new pair of heels. I love it when I earn a look that reminds me that I’ve still got it. The opportunities are more rare these days, but that makes them all the sweeter.

My favorite part is when I earn that look from my husband when I’m in my pajamas, slouching in front of my laptop, hair gone crazy. That is when I feel like all of my Selves have merged and he loves all of them.