Hilarious pile of lettered gifts.

Sometimes I just freak out. I’ll be doing something again and again and it will annoy me a little bit and a little bit more, and then one day. It will be the same thing it was the day before but no, this time it’s too much. It’s like the sweater.

A long time back my sister and I were rambling, one of those aimless conversations where you just say the next thing that comes to mind for awhile and the other person murmurs or starts off on a tangent. Well, this particular day she said,
“You know when you suddenly realize you’ve been doing something for too long? Like the other day I was trying to take off my sweater and I don’t know, I guess I was deep in thought or something because the next thing I know, I’ve been trying to take off this sweater for, like, a really long time.

Like… get off me already.”

I remember that so well because I think I must have cried from laughing so hard. It was one of those thoughts that really hits the spot. I know I’ve been there, where I suddenly looked down and was doing something utterly mindless for an unthinkable amount of time. But also… I’ve also thought that about bigger things. Something bigger will annoy me, something I do all the time, like Facebook’s stupid privacy policy, or lifting Ben into his crib when his legs are clearly getting way too long. Or geez will I just work out already, or stop having those extra cups of coffee. Or finally I just realize that Ben has been watching too many cartoons for no good reason. It’s these little, constant, things and then suddenly I just can’t take it for one more freaking second.

Sometimes I just wait for that feeling. I know that something is on my radar, but I will keep doing it, and it just keeps coming around again, and bothering me. But not enough. And there is a part of my mind that’s thinking, “eh, whatever. You’ll have a freak out about it at some point and that will take care of it.”

I love having goals, I love it even more when they aren’t the kind you can see on the outside. I love knowing I conquered something private and personal, something that was really tough, that really challenged me to be more present. Something that forced me to act with purpose. In the past these goals have been things like- becoming more informed, speaking my mind, pulling away from relationships that were no longer healthy, and finding my discipline style.

I feel a little weird when these things coincide with New Years because then it’s cute and neat and tied up with a bow and a little list and that’s just not how these things feel. They feel like messy demolition, something I have to do because I just… have to. Nevertheless, maybe I should just put them on a little list anyway and call them resolutions.

New Year’s Resolutions 2013:

Quit Facebook for the entire year.
Looking over someone else’s shoulder… acceptable loophole.
Put more effort into the little things
Cooking for friends, mailing personal notes, long catch-up phone calls.
Blog my heart out
Keep trying to prioritize the right things in my writing. More depth, more vulnerability, more effort.
Organize my closet
I know, boring.
Take Better Photos
I was taking great photos when Ben was a baby, I just need to stop being so lazy.

Sister girl has simply resolved to get into a jumper asap. She is over laying down, that’s like, for infants. 

So that’s it, I just freak out about something, like quitting Facebook, and I just rip it off, wipe it clean, throw it away, etcetera. And then I feel a whole lot better. I really like making big changes and taking on big challenges just to start fresh. However, sometimes afterward I glance around and a few people are staring at me wondering why I just ripped my sweater off and threw it in a trash can, and I sort of want to shout like I’m the Incredible Hulk,

“IT JUST NEVER FIT THAT GREAT ANYWAY!!” 

But of course that’s like the biggest over reaction of all time.
It always is, but it still feels right.

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