Having kids is so different than I thought it would be, and yet of course so often I have moments where I know just what Ben needs and everything feels just how I pictured it. When I imagined having kids, I didn’t understand tired and healing, and hormones and breastfeeding. I didn’t know how completely exhausted pregnancy made you feel. Or the other things- heartburn and nausea and moodiness. Swelling. Swelling alone will put an end to some really exciting plans. I also didn’t know the kind of tired that makes you want to get up, not like missing your alarm in the morning before work, but you want to see and enjoy that person, figure out their needs, make them laugh. Calling on your energy reserves and finding them dry and empty makes you angry.

I just didn’t understand it, and I couldn’t have, and I wanted to. All I wanted was to be able to sympathize with my mother friends with a genuine, I’ve-been-there shoulder to lean on. I knew I didn’t understand and there was nothing I could do about that.  So, now I understand. It makes me a better friend, and sometimes a worse friend. I know now that I don’t always have to remember everything, because my mom friends will cover me and I will cover them. And I know that my friends need more random acts of kindness than I can give right now. It will be so fun when my sister has kids and I can be the calm force of energy around her that has seen this and done this and knows she will be great at it.

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For the first time, I was in the store today gathering together an Easter basket. It was so fun. I haven’t really had this much fun yet, planning for an event or a holiday because Ben just hasn’t been old enough to get into it. But I know he is going to be psyched about searching for plastic eggs and putting them in his basket. And they had sports ball plastic eggs. For some reason this little gender stereotype touch just set my little mom heart on fire. Then there were kites, and pinwheels and stuffed bunnies. Oh, it’s on. I also got the grown-ups a bag of candy. We won’t be hunting for it but we’ve earned it just the same. Jesus Christ has risen and there WILL be chocolate.

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Prego Brain

It’s real, people. As you all know by now, I can’t operate under these hormonal conditions and it just keeps getting worse.

Last week, I stood blank faced in front of the ATM, trying to recall my PIN number. To be fair, I hadn’t used it in four months… to be fair, I’ve had it for eight years. I texted Scott, who had no clue what it was, not that I was surprised. I finally bit the bullet and went inside the bank. I had to get cash for the sitter one way or the other, and there was no other unless I decided to pawn something just to save myself the embarrassment. I went in, gestured at my tummy, said I needed to get my PIN, and the nice, also pregnant lady behind the counter gave me sympathy eyes as she ushered me to an office so I could get cash and reset it. It was a minute or two, some small talk while I was handing over my ID, and then they brought out the little keypad and, of course, I suddenly remembered my PIN. Because of COURSE I DID.

Draw Something is a super fun game on my iPhone (essentially Pictionary) that lets me sketch a bit and stretch my almost dead artistic muscles. It’s great. You choose from three options (each assigned levels and correlated points) about what to draw, and it takes a little movie of you drawing it and sends it to your friend with an assortment of letters and spaces a la hangman. You watch them guess yours, you guess theirs, you draw something. You write little notes to each other. Usually “LOL I forgot Miami was in Florida!” if you’re me. But one brain fart was a particular favorite. Here’s the “hard” option on my list: MCHAMMER. It keeps popping up, but I have no idea what it is. One day I just bite the bullet and write out “___Donald’s“, draw some golden arches and a hammer. With a “+” thrown in there. It works. Later I post on Facebook a note to my friend Justine:

Sad, isn’t it? A friend of mine wrote a master’s thesis while she was pregnant. Clearly you can see this was not to be for me. I can hardly follow crime dramas on TV.

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In Other Prego News

I’m feeling kicks! I got two hard jabs last weekend and then just little ones since. I want more big shoves, it helps me remember why I’m feeling so miserable and tired! Soon enough they will be against my ribs. But I’m pretty sure Ill still like them.

We go in for an ultrasound on Tuesday and I’m pretty sure we will find out if this is a girlbut we probably won’t announce until we go up north to see family. We will just tell people here and there for a couple weeks. Boxes of baby clothes will be flying all over the country. I can’t wait. Give me some kicks and a baby name and the world will be right again, I tell you.

Didja hear my BFF is pregnant with identical TWINS?? In case you don’t know, she also has a two year old son. I’m so thrilled, I can’t wait to find out if they are boys or girls.

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Tomorrow is DAY ONE of….. POTTY TRAINING!

I know. I’m absolutely masochistic and insane. I never would have considered it this early, but a couple of things came up, and Ben is unflaggingly enthused, so we are taking a swing at it. It might be a swing and a miss but I am sinking three days into it and seeing what happens. I’ll keep you informed. Here are my supplies:

One froggy portable potty.

Two packs of little boy briefs.

Cotton prefolds.

The plan for day one is naked from the waist down, drag that froggy potty all over the house and make him sit on it every 30 minutes. Clean up accidents, read our potty book. Drink water. Talk a lot about going pee pee and poo poo on the potty. Does that sound like a party or WHAT?

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Alright, time to catch up on phone photos!

Thank goodness someone is taking the reins around here. Sheesh people, sweep the floors at least.

We found a hairy caterpillar in the yard! I was as thrilled as Ben. He was a little annoyed that I tried to keep him from killing it. Or rather, overly excited shows of affection.

Here’s a great angle on the yard that foggy morning, all cleared out and cleaned up thanks to our gardeners:

We now have the furniture set up with cushiony pads and comfortably arranged. It’s so nice out there. When the wind isn’t trying to knock you over. I did make it to the museum that day. It was a herculean effort but I did it. This post is feeling like a Herculean effort, too. Phew!

Ben loves patio furniture. Remember how he is obsessed with the moon? He brought me this leaf the other day and declared that it was a “mun!” He also picked up a bread crust this morning and said, “seven!” He blows me away.

Okay I’m worn out. I leave you with this hilarious photo my father in law took when they were visiting. When Ben is super, duper psyched about something, we get this face. Sometimes a snicker. Makes life worth living. Even with heartburn.